You Put The "End" in "Friendship"

Friends are not defined by the good times you have, but by the way they handle your trials.


I have often said that it is easy to become my friend...but difficult to maintain that friendship. Now, as I get older...I find it just as difficult to find a good friend.

Part of this roots back to my childhood (doesn't everything). Going outdoors for me was like an annual vacation for some. I was kept closely guarded as though my life depended on it, because it did. Living in this oppressed state at home caused some social obstacles between me and the rest of society.

I recall a repairman working on the outside of our house. I was no older than 5 or 6 years old. He was working near my bedroom window. I crawled up to the glass and watched him work. When he noticed me, he smiled and waved. I smiled and waved back. This was more of a zoo animal / spectator scenario. I was merely mimicking the repairman. Me on one side of the glass and he on the other. When he responded to my existence, I felt like I was somehow experiencing the rest of the world.

Anyway, I have spent many years tearing down the barriers of social uncertainty in my life; founded on insecurities and lack of experience. When I did, I began to make friends with all sorts of people. I had friends calling and inviting and requesting my presence. I found it all exhausting.

I was and am an introvert. That is, I get my energy from being alone. Some people are re-charged by interacting with others. This is not me. It isn't a disorder or a flaw. It is just how my mental and emotional make-up are at the core.

However, I enjoyed watching, helping, and creating with others. I enjoyed being a part of the world. I was doing it wrong though. My pattern became dulling my shine so that others could prosper. In addition, I was overlooking bad traits of others for the sake of this social acceptance. This was leaving me empty, because those times in my life where I struggled there was no one to turn to. For some it was more a case of them not being able to provide what I needed as friends.

Over this last year I began looking at my relationships, the happiness of myself, the happiness of others. In a lot of cases, it was the lack of happiness. Why was I miserable? Why was I meeting with drama and sadness at more consistent intervals than dental appointments?

I realized that these "fun" people in my life weren't all "healthy". Example; one of my best friends for close to ten years. He was the guy I called on for almost any adventure. When he met with hardship, I worried about him like a brother (or at least a close cousin). If he needed my time, it was rare that he didn't get it. I almost flew across state because I was concerned about him.

Fast forward to a time in my life where the waters in my life were severely troubled. I was dangling on the edge, but fought my way back. For the first time, I did so without expectations of help from anyone else. Though I had finally found my footing, I was still a bit fragile. I was afraid of slipping back into dark depression and still struggling to form a solid relationship with this "new me".

Part of this new and improved life involved evaluating all of the friends and family I had, as well as how I was treating myself. What expectations did I have of me? I knew that surrounding myself with healthier people who had the attitude and joy that I wanted to have. So, I took a step back from everyone.

My best "friend" and his partner always seemed to be fighting and I, trying to be reliable, always listened. On a few extreme cases I intervened to protect him. However, my new path caused me to step back and understand that I had my own issues to fix and nothing I was doing was helping his relationship. The both of them began to question my actions, which is totally understandable. Perhaps they felt hurt and rejected...also understandable. I decided to respond as honestly and kindly as I could. I expressed that I was going through some things and that I was not in a place to discuss it all. The response I got back was that his partner was hurt and wanted to know. That was pretty much it. Again, I said that I was dealing with things and it had been almost a year since I went self-destructive, so I was a little fragile. To this, he responded that his partner really wanted to know and maybe we could get together.

Does anyone else see the problem? There was zero concern for what I was going through...It was all about them being hurt that they were removed from f*cking facebook and that I put some space between us all. There was no "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"  "What's wrong?"  "Is there anything we can do?"  

All of the understanding went out the window when they kept pushing to know. I met with my friend and verbalized all of this in person, in a lot less kosher manner. I told him what I thought of him, his significant other, their marriage, our other friends. I started to calm down after the rant and said "maybe we can all have a sit down discussion about this in a few months after I have some downtime"  He said okay.

Next thing I knew, he's already talked to his significant other and is trying to schedule coffee to talk it over. He had not heard a word I said. It was all still about them. I gave up.

At first walking away from my friend was painful and confusing. Then, over time I found it empowering. I was basking in the energy of taking control of my life. I was wiping the slate clean and viewing my environment with new eyes.

I saw who were friends. I knew who meant me nothing good. I could also identify friends that just were NOT healthy for my happiness and sanity.

So, here I sit with fewer "friends" and only a glint of sadness for the loss. I am okay with quality over quantity. I am now being a friend to myself, just as I would everyone else. It's new and exhilarating.  I am proud that I can rely on myself instead of depressed because no one is there for me. It feels really good. :)