Fists of Love

"L" is for how loud you get with me
"O" is for the open mouth I see
"V" is very, very extra violent scary
"E" is even more baggage than either of us can carry

I have never really discussed my relationships in depth...especially not in a public forum, but...
The first and most exposed relationship we get to see before getting into our own is that of our parents. Then, we live through our own relationships and those of family and friends. Right now...I'm in a pretty good one, I think. Of course, we always think that in the beginning, don't we? But this one feels a little different and it makes me want to evaluate.

Parents:
The mother and father that raised me were a black southern couple who couldn't have children of their own. The oldest of memories paints pictures of a strong and dominating female figure, and a passive hard-working male. There were plenty of arguments, whose quantity seemed to multiply as I got older and included me more often. Screaming and cussing always seemed to be the key ingredients to the parental grudge match. I found those moments awkward and frightening. I would huddle in my room and find something to distract me.

Yet, when my mother died unexpectedly on Christmas morning, I think whatever pressure he had been under from the cards that life had dealt him finally broke through his spirit. She was...important to him. After 40 years...how could she not be?

Friends:
Gosh...when one thinks of close friends I have had...I can only think of 1 or 2 couples that did not fight on a regular basis. Some never put these arguments on display, while others should have just sold tickets and at least made a profit.

Couples fight...but I cannot imagine fighting on a weekly basis like a prize champion boxer. I don't see that as something healthy for me. Three or four disagreements max would be my limit. Not like this couple I knew in Tulsa. He was a firefighter during the day, and a wife-fighter by night. She was always screeching at him like a harpy over some request of hers he didn't fill.

It was the classic "You treat me like a Queen while I treat you like my servant." scenario. I mostly just listened and told them it would get better, but I didn't believe that for a second. 5 or 6 years later and they are divorced with 2 kids. There was no balance there, I just didn't see how it could work.

Me:

My first relationship was abusive. I was young and he was old(er) and fighting serious demons. I never chose relationships based on looks or what they could give me. I chose them, like I chose my first, based on how nice they seemed and what I thought I could do for them. My first relationship is my first true love. Despite the unhealthiness, there was real love there. I would be with him now if not for the drug abuse and his untimely death. This is where I learned that "love" alone does not a healthy relationship make.

My next relevant relationship that lasted any time was with someone younger than me, but seemed responsible and loving. But he was always fighting the world. Never fought with me and always treated me with respect, but the world was another matter.

Fast forward through a string of other bizarre and unhealthy dates (unhealthy because I still had not learned all of my lessons about love). We come to a man about my age, funny, gentle, but not right. Still, I was instantly taken with him and it was the second time after my first that I fell hard for someone. He made my days...but health and his past made him miserable most of the time. He wasn't interested in me...not enough. But I was so interested in him that I didn't see that. When it ended, it broke me...No...I mean...it...broke...me. And that's not a bad thing.

Through the recovery process and learning to let him go, I finally started a lesson about "love" that I had managed to avoid my entire life.

Being "in love" is about the look in the eyes, the excitement of something new and wonderful. Finding "love", though. That is calm and comforting. It isn't rushing, screaming, or complicated. A good relationship, in my eyes, is sprouting a warm smile when you see the face of that special person. It is the trust that allows you to enjoy your life, even when they aren't near. It does not replace your life, it enhances it.

I have a roommate that I love like family...he IS family. We have lived together for almost 15 years. When I was younger, much younger, there were a few screaming fights every month or so at least. Now, with this life change and all of this effort to make a better life jazz...I can disagree with him without ever raising my voice.
Sure, he makes me furious and I'm sure this new bf will too...but priorities.

I have conversed with myself quite recently during those periods of frustration. It went something like this.

Angry Me: "I have asked him over and over to wash a full load of clothes to save water! WTF! I'm tired of being the only one trying to save some freaking money"

Reasonable Me: "You know...he also bought you laundry soap when you were broke last month."

Angry Me: "Yeah, well..."

Reasonable Me: "Are you really going to let some water usage ruin what could be a good evening, just to get a point across."

Angry Me: "Shut up, Reasonable Me...and kiss me...Kiss me like you kissed Nixon."

Okay, that last part is made up, but this kind dialogue has kept me from making a fool of myself with the new bf. I have had those moments of paranoia seep in because of all the failed relationships in the past and especially all the lies. Then, I tell myself "You have no proof to support being paranoid. He treats you well. And if this relationship ends, you know how to be happy while being single. Get over yourself!"

So, a few years ago I made a comment about true friends; "It's not about the good times you have, but how you handle the bad times"  THIS is what I look for in relationships. Will we handle arguments in a way that is healthy for me? Will we be able to effectively give the other person what they need in times of sorrow?

It's what made me choose the new bf over another option I had. I met them around the same time and had no expectations of either turning into anything. But the moment I got into a screaming match with B (after our second date), I knew it was not healthy for me.

The last big thing about the new bf is that I enjoy being around him, but I enjoy my time alone. I love for him to go do things on his own and then share them with me next time we talk (although he usually sends pics or texts during). We know we are with each other, so we don't NEEEEED to be with each other...not all the time. I think that's what they call "trust" or maybe it is more "security".

So...review; It's not about my future disagreements with new bf, but how I have those disagreements. Two, our relationship is about him (as individual), me(as an individual) and us (as a duo).