Like the chest-bursting creature from the movie Aliens, the answer is inside you and it hurts to come out.
Every so often, someone says something to you that is so simple yet so digging that it sets you on a new course in life.
If my memory serves, it was during a text-based argument (I loathe those) that a new-ish friend declared to me that I was "too self-aware." First, my brain had to come down from the heights of our adrenaline-charged discussion and take a moment to define the term "self-aware." It dawned on me. "Self-Aware" was a step or two beyond "thinking too much."
Upon reflection, I find it strange that I never denied his accusation. It was so accurate that I couldn't. Had my observant mind, my rough childhood, and my desire to overcome my obstacles turned me into some sort of monstrous vaccuum sucking up every little bit of information I could about the people around me as well as myself to the point that I couldn't enjoy people? Because let's face it...in a general sense...I don't enjoy people.
Last year I directed two shows at the local theatre. The first show, Distracted, was my blood, sweat, and tears project that I wanted to make a statement with. However, it was overshadowed by...hmph...as I think about it...my awareness. Awareness of everything that was going on in everyone's life...even if they hadn't told me or admitted it to me. It was a horrible time...relationships changed and ended, lots of disappointment, lots of unhappiness and poor decision making. I had the support of a couple of people...but considering the amount of humans that were in my life at the time, I felt there should have been more.
Anyway, since Distracted began with auditions, I have been doing something I never did before. I used to take on a big project that would last 4-6 months, then I would take a long break; playing video games, writing, finding new ways to be strange. However, after my second show Aladdin, when I was supposed to take a break, I found myself taking on more responsibilities. I agreed to at least two singing gigs, opted to help with several tv shows at my new job, started writing projects, generated two film projects, signed myself up for a contest, and so much more. Am I avoiding? If so, what am I avoiding? What am I scared of?
Maybe, during the time of Distracted (ironically a show about ADHD / ADD), perhaps I reached my peak of being "aware" and broke. So instead of wanting to be aware anymore, I stayed busy...so busy that I didn't have time to grieve any more losses, fight anymore battles, ponder anymore disappointments that came from or fell upon me... The more I think about this theory and start to look within myself (cheesy but true), the more afraid I am.
It's like walking into what is supposed to be the scariest haunted house attraction ever. You tell yourself to go in, but the deeper you go and the more doors you consider walking through, the more afraid you are of what will be waiting for you in the next room.
But, I do think...dear blog reader(s)...that I've learned that most answers are in us. We are responsible for almost every aspect of our life. I'm a firm believer that most solutions to most of our problems starts deep within us. I struggle with connecting to people. I tend to either put up a wall or get too close too quick. I am one extreme or the other. I know this about me. Now I also know that I am too aware...to the point I cannot overlook my own faults or others. How deep am I willing to travel to figure out the cause? Do I push further with my awareness, accepting it as a good thing? Or do I drop it all and race forward full speed ahead, filling my life with projects and goals to replace the holes in my life?
