In no particular order...these are the things and people that greatly influenced by life.
1. The great destruction of "Lil' Billy". If you didn't read my other blog that I had with my brothers and want the details, check this out. http://beatyboys3.blogspot.com/ For a run down; when I was 14 or 15, I found out I was adopted, that people had killed my real mother with intent to kill me and my brother, and that I had been hidden away in a small town and had my name changed to protect me. It was the single greatest explosion in my life that knocked me on a course that I could have never predicted.
2. My parents - the ones who raised me. What burdens they carried and sacrifices they made. At the same time, my mother never ever led me to believe I wasn't loved. Even after she was gone, I think that is what made me who I am at the core. I love them deeply and miss my momma, like you can't imagine. She also influenced my life because she died on Christmas morning when I was 15. It changed the way I celebrated and thought of holidays.
3. Darren Capps - my first love. Of course, I was also an 18-19 year old co-dependent child who saw someone I needed to "fix" but Darren was the first person when I left home, that I felt loved me.
4. God - Oh, boy...yeah, I remembered today how rock solid my belief in God was...always trying to please him, always calling on him, always writing to him. Even when my world fell apart as a teenager, I never doubted he was there. I wanted to be good for goodness sake...even as a child. I heard stories about "Jesus' return" and hoped that I was him. That's how "good" I wanted to be.
5. My nephews, Austin and Matthew - I love all my nieces and nephews...you have no idea. But Austin and Matthew had the greatest influence on my life because it was the first time outside of my brothers that I felt like I had family again. Seeing them smile made me smile. Feeling needed gave me a sense of self-worth. They made me really want to have kids of my own and they gave me a reason to keep going during a few dark times in my life.
6. Joseph - my adoption may have never seen the light of day and I might have not made it through the death of my parents without my brother, Joe. He's crass and can be a big old thug sometimes, but he's also like me in the most important ways. He analyzes things. He's passionate. He's creative. I'm an adult, but it still feels safer knowing I have a big brother out there. There are only one or two people I feel like cares for me the way my brother does. He's not perfect, but he's helped me grow as a person. He's awesome and I love him.
7. Bud - I would not be here without my roommate, mentor, and friend. He has flown across the US when I was in trouble. He listens to me ramble (though I can tell when he has tuned me out). He got me to celebrate the holidays, has put up with my nonsense/tantrums, gave me refuge when I thought I was cracking up...No one on this earth has done more for me as an adult than this guy.
8. Minnesota - I left for Minnesota to be there because I thought my younger brother needed me. I left my job, friends, and life to go help him get on his feet. Long story short? (You can read about it here also http://beatyboys3.blogspot.com/) Almost as soon as I arrived, my brother had gotten into a relationship and abandoned me in a strange city to fend for myself with no money, no friends, and no support. Add onto the fact that the week I got there, my father died in Texas and Christmas was around the corner (was still a hard time for me) and needless to say, depression was pummeling me like a Mortal Kombat character. However, in that depression and through that struggle...I found my independence. It was the moment I stopped being afraid of the world and realized how free of a person I was.
9. Moses - he was my pug. This may seem silly but when I was still trying to get out of my shell, I had Moses. He was the one constant thing in my life. He made me laugh. I'd snuggle with him when I was sad and dress him up like Della Reese. Seriously though...he taught me unconditional love, responsibility, and started my process of getting beyond my attachment issues. Thanks, Mo-mo.
10. Gaslight Theatre - good or bad, Gaslight theatre has had a major influence over me. Yes, it helped me realize all the skills I needed to work on and a place to do them, but it also helped me find the confidence and strength to understand relationships, friendships, and people. It was my training ground for finding inner peace among turmoil, build a better armor to deal with gossip, and sharpened my ability to take control of my own life. I walked away from the Gaslight understanding I needed less than I thought I did to be happy and content. My last play was a reward for all that I learned about people; good and bad.
What influenced you thus far?
Oh man. Seriously almost in tears throughout this whole thing. I know you didn't post it looking for sympathy, and how sad some of your stories are isn't really what made me want to cry. It's more because I know the person who you are now, even after everything you have been through. You were more a friend to me in Enid than a lot of other locals I met through various avenues, and we weren't even super close.
ReplyDeleteSo since you have said a few things that have influenced you, and asked for mine, I'll give them to you.
1. My parents. I may not always agree with them (in fact, a lot of times I don't) but they are some of the best people I know. They are always their for others, and have always supported me. My life wasn't always easy growing up, but I truly believe that they gave me the best possible childhood. A big part of this, too, is the farm that they raised me on (you can see a biiiig picture of it on my Facebook cover). I'm so sad that my children won't get to experience that place, because it is the best place to grow up. Period!
2. The Air Force. This one may be silly, but the Air Force has really taught me how to "grow up" and not be so selfish. After all, the world certainly does not revolve around me! I started dating Jason when I was 19 and he was going to the Air Force Academy. There were times when he would find out last minute that his whole squadron was "restricted" for the weekend (meaning he wasn't allowed to leave base at all and we were basically only allowed to meet up at the Subway on base...fun date huh?). There's also been numerous times that he's been gone, or hasn't been able to tell me what's going on (p.s. I think all spouses should be given top security clearance so that we can know these things!). I may not be the one in the Air Force, but it has certainly whipped me into shape!
3. Jason. Of course. He's my honey bunch, and the absolute best friend that I have ever had. He has helped me through so many difficult situations, ones that I may not have been able to make through by myself. He has also shown me the kind of person I want to be, and is a living reminder of what I want to works towards. He also lead me closer to God. I have become an active Christian (rather than passive)thanks to Jason, and I have definitely become a better person for it.
4. Enid. This one might be a little surprising, but Enid, Ok was the first place I ever lived that was not in Colorado. It was my first time living so far away from my family and friends and mountains. I grew so much as a person while I was there, through all of the experiences I went through and all of the people I met (ahem ahem!). Being apart of the Gaslight gave me a lot more confidence in my own talents and abilities. I had always been shy of these abilities before, but Gaslight helped drag them out of me!
There are many more things that have influenced me, but I have to get back to homework, so that's all for now. Great blog, I'm glad you started one up again! :)