Like the chest-bursting creature from the movie Aliens, the answer is inside you and it hurts to come out.
Every so often, someone says something to you that is so simple yet so digging that it sets you on a new course in life.
If my memory serves, it was during a text-based argument (I loathe those) that a new-ish friend declared to me that I was "too self-aware." First, my brain had to come down from the heights of our adrenaline-charged discussion and take a moment to define the term "self-aware." It dawned on me. "Self-Aware" was a step or two beyond "thinking too much."
Upon reflection, I find it strange that I never denied his accusation. It was so accurate that I couldn't. Had my observant mind, my rough childhood, and my desire to overcome my obstacles turned me into some sort of monstrous vaccuum sucking up every little bit of information I could about the people around me as well as myself to the point that I couldn't enjoy people? Because let's face it...in a general sense...I don't enjoy people.
Last year I directed two shows at the local theatre. The first show, Distracted, was my blood, sweat, and tears project that I wanted to make a statement with. However, it was overshadowed by...hmph...as I think about it...my awareness. Awareness of everything that was going on in everyone's life...even if they hadn't told me or admitted it to me. It was a horrible time...relationships changed and ended, lots of disappointment, lots of unhappiness and poor decision making. I had the support of a couple of people...but considering the amount of humans that were in my life at the time, I felt there should have been more.
Anyway, since Distracted began with auditions, I have been doing something I never did before. I used to take on a big project that would last 4-6 months, then I would take a long break; playing video games, writing, finding new ways to be strange. However, after my second show Aladdin, when I was supposed to take a break, I found myself taking on more responsibilities. I agreed to at least two singing gigs, opted to help with several tv shows at my new job, started writing projects, generated two film projects, signed myself up for a contest, and so much more. Am I avoiding? If so, what am I avoiding? What am I scared of?
Maybe, during the time of Distracted (ironically a show about ADHD / ADD), perhaps I reached my peak of being "aware" and broke. So instead of wanting to be aware anymore, I stayed busy...so busy that I didn't have time to grieve any more losses, fight anymore battles, ponder anymore disappointments that came from or fell upon me... The more I think about this theory and start to look within myself (cheesy but true), the more afraid I am.
It's like walking into what is supposed to be the scariest haunted house attraction ever. You tell yourself to go in, but the deeper you go and the more doors you consider walking through, the more afraid you are of what will be waiting for you in the next room.
But, I do think...dear blog reader(s)...that I've learned that most answers are in us. We are responsible for almost every aspect of our life. I'm a firm believer that most solutions to most of our problems starts deep within us. I struggle with connecting to people. I tend to either put up a wall or get too close too quick. I am one extreme or the other. I know this about me. Now I also know that I am too aware...to the point I cannot overlook my own faults or others. How deep am I willing to travel to figure out the cause? Do I push further with my awareness, accepting it as a good thing? Or do I drop it all and race forward full speed ahead, filling my life with projects and goals to replace the holes in my life?
Friday, October 11, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
Fists of Love
"L" is for how loud you get with me
"O" is for the open mouth I see
"V" is very, very extra violent scary
"E" is even more baggage than either of us can carry
I have never really discussed my relationships in depth...especially not in a public forum, but...
The first and most exposed relationship we get to see before getting into our own is that of our parents. Then, we live through our own relationships and those of family and friends. Right now...I'm in a pretty good one, I think. Of course, we always think that in the beginning, don't we? But this one feels a little different and it makes me want to evaluate.
Parents:
The mother and father that raised me were a black southern couple who couldn't have children of their own. The oldest of memories paints pictures of a strong and dominating female figure, and a passive hard-working male. There were plenty of arguments, whose quantity seemed to multiply as I got older and included me more often. Screaming and cussing always seemed to be the key ingredients to the parental grudge match. I found those moments awkward and frightening. I would huddle in my room and find something to distract me.
Yet, when my mother died unexpectedly on Christmas morning, I think whatever pressure he had been under from the cards that life had dealt him finally broke through his spirit. She was...important to him. After 40 years...how could she not be?
Friends:
Gosh...when one thinks of close friends I have had...I can only think of 1 or 2 couples that did not fight on a regular basis. Some never put these arguments on display, while others should have just sold tickets and at least made a profit.
Couples fight...but I cannot imagine fighting on a weekly basis like a prize champion boxer. I don't see that as something healthy for me. Three or four disagreements max would be my limit. Not like this couple I knew in Tulsa. He was a firefighter during the day, and a wife-fighter by night. She was always screeching at him like a harpy over some request of hers he didn't fill.
It was the classic "You treat me like a Queen while I treat you like my servant." scenario. I mostly just listened and told them it would get better, but I didn't believe that for a second. 5 or 6 years later and they are divorced with 2 kids. There was no balance there, I just didn't see how it could work.
Me:
My first relationship was abusive. I was young and he was old(er) and fighting serious demons. I never chose relationships based on looks or what they could give me. I chose them, like I chose my first, based on how nice they seemed and what I thought I could do for them. My first relationship is my first true love. Despite the unhealthiness, there was real love there. I would be with him now if not for the drug abuse and his untimely death. This is where I learned that "love" alone does not a healthy relationship make.
My next relevant relationship that lasted any time was with someone younger than me, but seemed responsible and loving. But he was always fighting the world. Never fought with me and always treated me with respect, but the world was another matter.
Fast forward through a string of other bizarre and unhealthy dates (unhealthy because I still had not learned all of my lessons about love). We come to a man about my age, funny, gentle, but not right. Still, I was instantly taken with him and it was the second time after my first that I fell hard for someone. He made my days...but health and his past made him miserable most of the time. He wasn't interested in me...not enough. But I was so interested in him that I didn't see that. When it ended, it broke me...No...I mean...it...broke...me. And that's not a bad thing.
Through the recovery process and learning to let him go, I finally started a lesson about "love" that I had managed to avoid my entire life.
Being "in love" is about the look in the eyes, the excitement of something new and wonderful. Finding "love", though. That is calm and comforting. It isn't rushing, screaming, or complicated. A good relationship, in my eyes, is sprouting a warm smile when you see the face of that special person. It is the trust that allows you to enjoy your life, even when they aren't near. It does not replace your life, it enhances it.
I have a roommate that I love like family...he IS family. We have lived together for almost 15 years. When I was younger, much younger, there were a few screaming fights every month or so at least. Now, with this life change and all of this effort to make a better life jazz...I can disagree with him without ever raising my voice.
Sure, he makes me furious and I'm sure this new bf will too...but priorities.
I have conversed with myself quite recently during those periods of frustration. It went something like this.
Angry Me: "I have asked him over and over to wash a full load of clothes to save water! WTF! I'm tired of being the only one trying to save some freaking money"
Reasonable Me: "You know...he also bought you laundry soap when you were broke last month."
Angry Me: "Yeah, well..."
Reasonable Me: "Are you really going to let some water usage ruin what could be a good evening, just to get a point across."
Angry Me: "Shut up, Reasonable Me...and kiss me...Kiss me like you kissed Nixon."
Okay, that last part is made up, but this kind dialogue has kept me from making a fool of myself with the new bf. I have had those moments of paranoia seep in because of all the failed relationships in the past and especially all the lies. Then, I tell myself "You have no proof to support being paranoid. He treats you well. And if this relationship ends, you know how to be happy while being single. Get over yourself!"
So, a few years ago I made a comment about true friends; "It's not about the good times you have, but how you handle the bad times" THIS is what I look for in relationships. Will we handle arguments in a way that is healthy for me? Will we be able to effectively give the other person what they need in times of sorrow?
It's what made me choose the new bf over another option I had. I met them around the same time and had no expectations of either turning into anything. But the moment I got into a screaming match with B (after our second date), I knew it was not healthy for me.
The last big thing about the new bf is that I enjoy being around him, but I enjoy my time alone. I love for him to go do things on his own and then share them with me next time we talk (although he usually sends pics or texts during). We know we are with each other, so we don't NEEEEED to be with each other...not all the time. I think that's what they call "trust" or maybe it is more "security".
So...review; It's not about my future disagreements with new bf, but how I have those disagreements. Two, our relationship is about him (as individual), me(as an individual) and us (as a duo).
"O" is for the open mouth I see
"V" is very, very extra violent scary
"E" is even more baggage than either of us can carry
I have never really discussed my relationships in depth...especially not in a public forum, but...
The first and most exposed relationship we get to see before getting into our own is that of our parents. Then, we live through our own relationships and those of family and friends. Right now...I'm in a pretty good one, I think. Of course, we always think that in the beginning, don't we? But this one feels a little different and it makes me want to evaluate.
Parents:
The mother and father that raised me were a black southern couple who couldn't have children of their own. The oldest of memories paints pictures of a strong and dominating female figure, and a passive hard-working male. There were plenty of arguments, whose quantity seemed to multiply as I got older and included me more often. Screaming and cussing always seemed to be the key ingredients to the parental grudge match. I found those moments awkward and frightening. I would huddle in my room and find something to distract me.
Yet, when my mother died unexpectedly on Christmas morning, I think whatever pressure he had been under from the cards that life had dealt him finally broke through his spirit. She was...important to him. After 40 years...how could she not be?
Friends:
Gosh...when one thinks of close friends I have had...I can only think of 1 or 2 couples that did not fight on a regular basis. Some never put these arguments on display, while others should have just sold tickets and at least made a profit.
Couples fight...but I cannot imagine fighting on a weekly basis like a prize champion boxer. I don't see that as something healthy for me. Three or four disagreements max would be my limit. Not like this couple I knew in Tulsa. He was a firefighter during the day, and a wife-fighter by night. She was always screeching at him like a harpy over some request of hers he didn't fill.
It was the classic "You treat me like a Queen while I treat you like my servant." scenario. I mostly just listened and told them it would get better, but I didn't believe that for a second. 5 or 6 years later and they are divorced with 2 kids. There was no balance there, I just didn't see how it could work.
Me:
My first relationship was abusive. I was young and he was old(er) and fighting serious demons. I never chose relationships based on looks or what they could give me. I chose them, like I chose my first, based on how nice they seemed and what I thought I could do for them. My first relationship is my first true love. Despite the unhealthiness, there was real love there. I would be with him now if not for the drug abuse and his untimely death. This is where I learned that "love" alone does not a healthy relationship make.
My next relevant relationship that lasted any time was with someone younger than me, but seemed responsible and loving. But he was always fighting the world. Never fought with me and always treated me with respect, but the world was another matter.
Fast forward through a string of other bizarre and unhealthy dates (unhealthy because I still had not learned all of my lessons about love). We come to a man about my age, funny, gentle, but not right. Still, I was instantly taken with him and it was the second time after my first that I fell hard for someone. He made my days...but health and his past made him miserable most of the time. He wasn't interested in me...not enough. But I was so interested in him that I didn't see that. When it ended, it broke me...No...I mean...it...broke...me. And that's not a bad thing.
Through the recovery process and learning to let him go, I finally started a lesson about "love" that I had managed to avoid my entire life.
Being "in love" is about the look in the eyes, the excitement of something new and wonderful. Finding "love", though. That is calm and comforting. It isn't rushing, screaming, or complicated. A good relationship, in my eyes, is sprouting a warm smile when you see the face of that special person. It is the trust that allows you to enjoy your life, even when they aren't near. It does not replace your life, it enhances it.
I have a roommate that I love like family...he IS family. We have lived together for almost 15 years. When I was younger, much younger, there were a few screaming fights every month or so at least. Now, with this life change and all of this effort to make a better life jazz...I can disagree with him without ever raising my voice.
Sure, he makes me furious and I'm sure this new bf will too...but priorities.
I have conversed with myself quite recently during those periods of frustration. It went something like this.
Angry Me: "I have asked him over and over to wash a full load of clothes to save water! WTF! I'm tired of being the only one trying to save some freaking money"
Reasonable Me: "You know...he also bought you laundry soap when you were broke last month."
Angry Me: "Yeah, well..."
Reasonable Me: "Are you really going to let some water usage ruin what could be a good evening, just to get a point across."
Angry Me: "Shut up, Reasonable Me...and kiss me...Kiss me like you kissed Nixon."
Okay, that last part is made up, but this kind dialogue has kept me from making a fool of myself with the new bf. I have had those moments of paranoia seep in because of all the failed relationships in the past and especially all the lies. Then, I tell myself "You have no proof to support being paranoid. He treats you well. And if this relationship ends, you know how to be happy while being single. Get over yourself!"
So, a few years ago I made a comment about true friends; "It's not about the good times you have, but how you handle the bad times" THIS is what I look for in relationships. Will we handle arguments in a way that is healthy for me? Will we be able to effectively give the other person what they need in times of sorrow?
It's what made me choose the new bf over another option I had. I met them around the same time and had no expectations of either turning into anything. But the moment I got into a screaming match with B (after our second date), I knew it was not healthy for me.
The last big thing about the new bf is that I enjoy being around him, but I enjoy my time alone. I love for him to go do things on his own and then share them with me next time we talk (although he usually sends pics or texts during). We know we are with each other, so we don't NEEEEED to be with each other...not all the time. I think that's what they call "trust" or maybe it is more "security".
So...review; It's not about my future disagreements with new bf, but how I have those disagreements. Two, our relationship is about him (as individual), me(as an individual) and us (as a duo).
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
You Put The "End" in "Friendship"
Friends are not defined by the good times you have, but by the way they handle your trials.
I have often said that it is easy to become my friend...but difficult to maintain that friendship. Now, as I get older...I find it just as difficult to find a good friend.
Part of this roots back to my childhood (doesn't everything). Going outdoors for me was like an annual vacation for some. I was kept closely guarded as though my life depended on it, because it did. Living in this oppressed state at home caused some social obstacles between me and the rest of society.
I recall a repairman working on the outside of our house. I was no older than 5 or 6 years old. He was working near my bedroom window. I crawled up to the glass and watched him work. When he noticed me, he smiled and waved. I smiled and waved back. This was more of a zoo animal / spectator scenario. I was merely mimicking the repairman. Me on one side of the glass and he on the other. When he responded to my existence, I felt like I was somehow experiencing the rest of the world.
Anyway, I have spent many years tearing down the barriers of social uncertainty in my life; founded on insecurities and lack of experience. When I did, I began to make friends with all sorts of people. I had friends calling and inviting and requesting my presence. I found it all exhausting.
I was and am an introvert. That is, I get my energy from being alone. Some people are re-charged by interacting with others. This is not me. It isn't a disorder or a flaw. It is just how my mental and emotional make-up are at the core.
However, I enjoyed watching, helping, and creating with others. I enjoyed being a part of the world. I was doing it wrong though. My pattern became dulling my shine so that others could prosper. In addition, I was overlooking bad traits of others for the sake of this social acceptance. This was leaving me empty, because those times in my life where I struggled there was no one to turn to. For some it was more a case of them not being able to provide what I needed as friends.
Over this last year I began looking at my relationships, the happiness of myself, the happiness of others. In a lot of cases, it was the lack of happiness. Why was I miserable? Why was I meeting with drama and sadness at more consistent intervals than dental appointments?
I realized that these "fun" people in my life weren't all "healthy". Example; one of my best friends for close to ten years. He was the guy I called on for almost any adventure. When he met with hardship, I worried about him like a brother (or at least a close cousin). If he needed my time, it was rare that he didn't get it. I almost flew across state because I was concerned about him.
Fast forward to a time in my life where the waters in my life were severely troubled. I was dangling on the edge, but fought my way back. For the first time, I did so without expectations of help from anyone else. Though I had finally found my footing, I was still a bit fragile. I was afraid of slipping back into dark depression and still struggling to form a solid relationship with this "new me".
Part of this new and improved life involved evaluating all of the friends and family I had, as well as how I was treating myself. What expectations did I have of me? I knew that surrounding myself with healthier people who had the attitude and joy that I wanted to have. So, I took a step back from everyone.
My best "friend" and his partner always seemed to be fighting and I, trying to be reliable, always listened. On a few extreme cases I intervened to protect him. However, my new path caused me to step back and understand that I had my own issues to fix and nothing I was doing was helping his relationship. The both of them began to question my actions, which is totally understandable. Perhaps they felt hurt and rejected...also understandable. I decided to respond as honestly and kindly as I could. I expressed that I was going through some things and that I was not in a place to discuss it all. The response I got back was that his partner was hurt and wanted to know. That was pretty much it. Again, I said that I was dealing with things and it had been almost a year since I went self-destructive, so I was a little fragile. To this, he responded that his partner really wanted to know and maybe we could get together.
Does anyone else see the problem? There was zero concern for what I was going through...It was all about them being hurt that they were removed from f*cking facebook and that I put some space between us all. There was no "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" "What's wrong?" "Is there anything we can do?"
All of the understanding went out the window when they kept pushing to know. I met with my friend and verbalized all of this in person, in a lot less kosher manner. I told him what I thought of him, his significant other, their marriage, our other friends. I started to calm down after the rant and said "maybe we can all have a sit down discussion about this in a few months after I have some downtime" He said okay.
Next thing I knew, he's already talked to his significant other and is trying to schedule coffee to talk it over. He had not heard a word I said. It was all still about them. I gave up.
At first walking away from my friend was painful and confusing. Then, over time I found it empowering. I was basking in the energy of taking control of my life. I was wiping the slate clean and viewing my environment with new eyes.
I saw who were friends. I knew who meant me nothing good. I could also identify friends that just were NOT healthy for my happiness and sanity.
So, here I sit with fewer "friends" and only a glint of sadness for the loss. I am okay with quality over quantity. I am now being a friend to myself, just as I would everyone else. It's new and exhilarating. I am proud that I can rely on myself instead of depressed because no one is there for me. It feels really good. :)
I have often said that it is easy to become my friend...but difficult to maintain that friendship. Now, as I get older...I find it just as difficult to find a good friend.
Part of this roots back to my childhood (doesn't everything). Going outdoors for me was like an annual vacation for some. I was kept closely guarded as though my life depended on it, because it did. Living in this oppressed state at home caused some social obstacles between me and the rest of society.
I recall a repairman working on the outside of our house. I was no older than 5 or 6 years old. He was working near my bedroom window. I crawled up to the glass and watched him work. When he noticed me, he smiled and waved. I smiled and waved back. This was more of a zoo animal / spectator scenario. I was merely mimicking the repairman. Me on one side of the glass and he on the other. When he responded to my existence, I felt like I was somehow experiencing the rest of the world.
Anyway, I have spent many years tearing down the barriers of social uncertainty in my life; founded on insecurities and lack of experience. When I did, I began to make friends with all sorts of people. I had friends calling and inviting and requesting my presence. I found it all exhausting.
I was and am an introvert. That is, I get my energy from being alone. Some people are re-charged by interacting with others. This is not me. It isn't a disorder or a flaw. It is just how my mental and emotional make-up are at the core.
However, I enjoyed watching, helping, and creating with others. I enjoyed being a part of the world. I was doing it wrong though. My pattern became dulling my shine so that others could prosper. In addition, I was overlooking bad traits of others for the sake of this social acceptance. This was leaving me empty, because those times in my life where I struggled there was no one to turn to. For some it was more a case of them not being able to provide what I needed as friends.
Over this last year I began looking at my relationships, the happiness of myself, the happiness of others. In a lot of cases, it was the lack of happiness. Why was I miserable? Why was I meeting with drama and sadness at more consistent intervals than dental appointments?
I realized that these "fun" people in my life weren't all "healthy". Example; one of my best friends for close to ten years. He was the guy I called on for almost any adventure. When he met with hardship, I worried about him like a brother (or at least a close cousin). If he needed my time, it was rare that he didn't get it. I almost flew across state because I was concerned about him.
Fast forward to a time in my life where the waters in my life were severely troubled. I was dangling on the edge, but fought my way back. For the first time, I did so without expectations of help from anyone else. Though I had finally found my footing, I was still a bit fragile. I was afraid of slipping back into dark depression and still struggling to form a solid relationship with this "new me".
Part of this new and improved life involved evaluating all of the friends and family I had, as well as how I was treating myself. What expectations did I have of me? I knew that surrounding myself with healthier people who had the attitude and joy that I wanted to have. So, I took a step back from everyone.
My best "friend" and his partner always seemed to be fighting and I, trying to be reliable, always listened. On a few extreme cases I intervened to protect him. However, my new path caused me to step back and understand that I had my own issues to fix and nothing I was doing was helping his relationship. The both of them began to question my actions, which is totally understandable. Perhaps they felt hurt and rejected...also understandable. I decided to respond as honestly and kindly as I could. I expressed that I was going through some things and that I was not in a place to discuss it all. The response I got back was that his partner was hurt and wanted to know. That was pretty much it. Again, I said that I was dealing with things and it had been almost a year since I went self-destructive, so I was a little fragile. To this, he responded that his partner really wanted to know and maybe we could get together.
Does anyone else see the problem? There was zero concern for what I was going through...It was all about them being hurt that they were removed from f*cking facebook and that I put some space between us all. There was no "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" "What's wrong?" "Is there anything we can do?"
All of the understanding went out the window when they kept pushing to know. I met with my friend and verbalized all of this in person, in a lot less kosher manner. I told him what I thought of him, his significant other, their marriage, our other friends. I started to calm down after the rant and said "maybe we can all have a sit down discussion about this in a few months after I have some downtime" He said okay.
Next thing I knew, he's already talked to his significant other and is trying to schedule coffee to talk it over. He had not heard a word I said. It was all still about them. I gave up.
At first walking away from my friend was painful and confusing. Then, over time I found it empowering. I was basking in the energy of taking control of my life. I was wiping the slate clean and viewing my environment with new eyes.
I saw who were friends. I knew who meant me nothing good. I could also identify friends that just were NOT healthy for my happiness and sanity.
So, here I sit with fewer "friends" and only a glint of sadness for the loss. I am okay with quality over quantity. I am now being a friend to myself, just as I would everyone else. It's new and exhilarating. I am proud that I can rely on myself instead of depressed because no one is there for me. It feels really good. :)
Friday, July 12, 2013
Threads Vs Strings
A thread is a strong material that holds fabric together and makes things look nice. A string is something you cut off because it isn't serving a purpose other than providing the illusion of security.
All my past dates and relationships have trained me to expect disaster. I think over the years, I may have been changing and lowering my expectations for fear that I was expecting too much. That evolved into accepting a lot of things that I shouldn't have accepted.
Now, over the past 6 months I have been working on improving myself from the inside out, to be healthier and happier. It started with letting go of negative people that hindered my progress. Then, stopped sacrificing all I had to play a martyr in other people's lives. Then, because I couldn't figure out why my relationships weren't working...I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't get into another one until I met someone that I couldn't NOT be in a relationship with.
This attitude brought about...contentment in a way that some people could not understand. I was okay being alone, ecstatic if anyone wanted to spend time with me (as a friend or whatever), and found myself looking for less things outside of me.
The relationship I'm in now doesn't define that contentment and happiness. It just enhances it. I would be sad if it didn't work out, but would not be devastated to the point of self-destruction. He encourages this new path I am on...to enjoy life, stop worrying and stop being afraid.
I was diagnosed (unofficially) with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I think I may have come close to overcoming it.
All my past dates and relationships have trained me to expect disaster. I think over the years, I may have been changing and lowering my expectations for fear that I was expecting too much. That evolved into accepting a lot of things that I shouldn't have accepted.
Now, over the past 6 months I have been working on improving myself from the inside out, to be healthier and happier. It started with letting go of negative people that hindered my progress. Then, stopped sacrificing all I had to play a martyr in other people's lives. Then, because I couldn't figure out why my relationships weren't working...I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't get into another one until I met someone that I couldn't NOT be in a relationship with.
This attitude brought about...contentment in a way that some people could not understand. I was okay being alone, ecstatic if anyone wanted to spend time with me (as a friend or whatever), and found myself looking for less things outside of me.
The relationship I'm in now doesn't define that contentment and happiness. It just enhances it. I would be sad if it didn't work out, but would not be devastated to the point of self-destruction. He encourages this new path I am on...to enjoy life, stop worrying and stop being afraid.
I was diagnosed (unofficially) with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I think I may have come close to overcoming it.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
This Day
I want to remember this day and this moment.
I've got a job so good where people are looking out for me and not stepping on me to reach the top.
When life sucks I want to remember that it CAN feel like today.
I've got a guy that treats me so good that sometimes I cry because; my exes almost had me believing that I was wrong about how a person in a relationship could be treated and because I wonder if I deserve him.
I want to have a day like today to look back on when I've been shut out by my "friends" and "family"
I've got a roommate that has been like a dad to me and a number of women who have been like mothers to me.
When I think of my tragic past, I want to remember that it wasn't all bad.
Kevin and my summer romance under the stars with lightning bugs and laughs surrounding us. There was no "rest of the world"...just us.
I want something else to look at other than miserable faces and judging eyes.
A group of knuckleheads putting on Aladdin and generating joy, respect, and silliness behind the scenes and memories on stage...made me realize how much fun theatre can be.
This page is strictly for me to remember...for every 5 bad things I remember, there is 1 good thing...but it is soooo good that the scales will tip in its favor.
I've got a job so good where people are looking out for me and not stepping on me to reach the top.
When life sucks I want to remember that it CAN feel like today.
I've got a guy that treats me so good that sometimes I cry because; my exes almost had me believing that I was wrong about how a person in a relationship could be treated and because I wonder if I deserve him.
I want to have a day like today to look back on when I've been shut out by my "friends" and "family"
I've got a roommate that has been like a dad to me and a number of women who have been like mothers to me.
When I think of my tragic past, I want to remember that it wasn't all bad.
Kevin and my summer romance under the stars with lightning bugs and laughs surrounding us. There was no "rest of the world"...just us.
I want something else to look at other than miserable faces and judging eyes.
A group of knuckleheads putting on Aladdin and generating joy, respect, and silliness behind the scenes and memories on stage...made me realize how much fun theatre can be.
This page is strictly for me to remember...for every 5 bad things I remember, there is 1 good thing...but it is soooo good that the scales will tip in its favor.
Monday, July 1, 2013
The Blog You Don't Want To Read
There's a part of some of you that don't want to read this...but find a quiet moment, away from prying eyes and you'll never have to admit that you read it.
I loved you, dear reader, before I knew you.
Two parents, church every Sunday, pets, family reunions...I was a Texas kid in a black family.
Physical abuse, emotional abuse, murder, and more...I was a teen in a time of turmoil.
I never used that as an excuse to release my faith or rules my parents taught me. I had zero shame for my virginity. Never craved to fit in...not enough to pick up a bottle, light a cigarette, or swear in an effort to prove maturity. I...was good...not perfect...but good. This little Texas boy prayed for the world, cried when it was hurting, and sacrificed his sanity time and time again for people that would never lay eyes on him.
My moral compass was mine. I did not use it to plot out anyone else's course in life but my own and I used it. I challenge anyone to find a kid in my school that not only had a belief as solid as mine, but who also used it when there was a fork in the road of my life...again...not a perfect child.
I kept it together through the complete destruction of my family. Other than abandoning them at 15 when my shoulders were too weak to carry any more...I remained on a road of strength through innocence, certain that I was meant to somehow make the world a better place...because...I loved you and the world that you take for granted.
Now in adult form... I witness some who sit in thrones and dare to feel they have the right to tell me that I should reject what makes my heart happy. I have been in love and have been in lust and I profess that I believe to know the difference now. After all I've been through, I deserve happiness where I can find it...like you... as long as I am not robbing someone else of that same feeling.
I'm saddened when family and friends, who have cheated on their significant others (among other acts), are uncomfortable with where I find monogamous happiness. Criminals with dirty hands from theft, molestation, murder, and more commit the crime of unbalanced hypocrisy by giving me a foul look because of feelings I cannot control (this from people who use sex as trade and violence). Color me sickened when some fat b*tch sitting on the sofa, smoking and ignoring her kids until it is time to go pick up her welfare check, claims that somehow I have less rights than her because she manages to remember what a bible is upon her convenience. Equally shattering is a financial show-off, wrapped in clothes like a straight jacket marching through life deciding who is worthy of his love and assistance, who wants to glare at me because I am not all the things they think I should be without even knowing my name.
There was a little mixed race boy that once loved them...prayed for them.
Pages of a book are waved in my face. It is a book that they may have read until it knows them by heart, yet they don't know it at all. If they did, those pages would be their comfort in dealing with me. Their hearts would be in such motion that their tongues would lay still. Then, it would not lash out at innocent and not-so innocent people leaving wounds on our souls.
When they issue loveless ridicule for the things I do and say, they hurt my family, my friends, my nephews. They also teach their children to whip their tongues out as fast as they would a gun, hurting people just as bad. How could you manage to make a positive world for your kids if you say such negative things?
If there are people that think hearing Sunday morning sermons gives them a free pass to play moral sheriff in my world, they are in for a cruel eviction. There are many like me that have survived a cruel and unforgiving world without any hang ups worth mentioning or more importantly, without any help from "those" people. They weren't there to protect my mother, to protect me, to protect my family...I certainly don't need their unloving banter now.
If gays get full legal rights to marry, and they will, those people will only be upset because they lost...not because God has somehow been betrayed by the country. Because those people never gave God a thought when they opened their mouths. This country was never founded on Christianity to begin with. The founding fathers created a country where religious freedom (that means freedom from any specific religion) was one of the building blocks. If HE was so angry at people that he wanted vengeance, he would have issued that out the moment "United States of America" was uttered.
If homosexuality (as we define it now) is indeed a sin, homosexuals will deal with God on that...not you. Being my age without a criminal history or addiction, I think I'll find more solace in a loving relationship than in your approval. But in the deepest regions of my heart, where that little boy in Texas still holds a moral compass...I don't believe it is. Because the love I have felt has been as warm as hugging the sun and as cooling as snuggling the moon...that kind of feeling can't come from a bad place.
(to be concluded)
I loved you, dear reader, before I knew you.
Two parents, church every Sunday, pets, family reunions...I was a Texas kid in a black family.
Physical abuse, emotional abuse, murder, and more...I was a teen in a time of turmoil.
I never used that as an excuse to release my faith or rules my parents taught me. I had zero shame for my virginity. Never craved to fit in...not enough to pick up a bottle, light a cigarette, or swear in an effort to prove maturity. I...was good...not perfect...but good. This little Texas boy prayed for the world, cried when it was hurting, and sacrificed his sanity time and time again for people that would never lay eyes on him.
My moral compass was mine. I did not use it to plot out anyone else's course in life but my own and I used it. I challenge anyone to find a kid in my school that not only had a belief as solid as mine, but who also used it when there was a fork in the road of my life...again...not a perfect child.
I kept it together through the complete destruction of my family. Other than abandoning them at 15 when my shoulders were too weak to carry any more...I remained on a road of strength through innocence, certain that I was meant to somehow make the world a better place...because...I loved you and the world that you take for granted.
Now in adult form... I witness some who sit in thrones and dare to feel they have the right to tell me that I should reject what makes my heart happy. I have been in love and have been in lust and I profess that I believe to know the difference now. After all I've been through, I deserve happiness where I can find it...like you... as long as I am not robbing someone else of that same feeling.
I'm saddened when family and friends, who have cheated on their significant others (among other acts), are uncomfortable with where I find monogamous happiness. Criminals with dirty hands from theft, molestation, murder, and more commit the crime of unbalanced hypocrisy by giving me a foul look because of feelings I cannot control (this from people who use sex as trade and violence). Color me sickened when some fat b*tch sitting on the sofa, smoking and ignoring her kids until it is time to go pick up her welfare check, claims that somehow I have less rights than her because she manages to remember what a bible is upon her convenience. Equally shattering is a financial show-off, wrapped in clothes like a straight jacket marching through life deciding who is worthy of his love and assistance, who wants to glare at me because I am not all the things they think I should be without even knowing my name.
There was a little mixed race boy that once loved them...prayed for them.
Pages of a book are waved in my face. It is a book that they may have read until it knows them by heart, yet they don't know it at all. If they did, those pages would be their comfort in dealing with me. Their hearts would be in such motion that their tongues would lay still. Then, it would not lash out at innocent and not-so innocent people leaving wounds on our souls.
When they issue loveless ridicule for the things I do and say, they hurt my family, my friends, my nephews. They also teach their children to whip their tongues out as fast as they would a gun, hurting people just as bad. How could you manage to make a positive world for your kids if you say such negative things?
If there are people that think hearing Sunday morning sermons gives them a free pass to play moral sheriff in my world, they are in for a cruel eviction. There are many like me that have survived a cruel and unforgiving world without any hang ups worth mentioning or more importantly, without any help from "those" people. They weren't there to protect my mother, to protect me, to protect my family...I certainly don't need their unloving banter now.
If gays get full legal rights to marry, and they will, those people will only be upset because they lost...not because God has somehow been betrayed by the country. Because those people never gave God a thought when they opened their mouths. This country was never founded on Christianity to begin with. The founding fathers created a country where religious freedom (that means freedom from any specific religion) was one of the building blocks. If HE was so angry at people that he wanted vengeance, he would have issued that out the moment "United States of America" was uttered.
If homosexuality (as we define it now) is indeed a sin, homosexuals will deal with God on that...not you. Being my age without a criminal history or addiction, I think I'll find more solace in a loving relationship than in your approval. But in the deepest regions of my heart, where that little boy in Texas still holds a moral compass...I don't believe it is. Because the love I have felt has been as warm as hugging the sun and as cooling as snuggling the moon...that kind of feeling can't come from a bad place.
(to be concluded)
Care Bear Stare Revisited
I could never be one of those people that generously uses the term "I don't care" in situations where I have been treated poorly...and lord knows I have been treated poorly.
I will say that when someone thinks a certain way about me or says something negative about me...I will weigh that opinion heavily for a little bit. If it is something I agree with, I try to change that behavior. If I feel they are mistaken, I simply press on without giving them much more of my time.
Part of what I consider is where this opinion is coming from. Are they sharing this opinion out of genuine concern for me or that I sincerely hurt their feelings? Maybe it is more because they don't like something I did or said to them personally so they will develop whatever perception they want of me in an effort to get others not to like me.
If I feel it falls in the first category, then I cannot be mad at anyone but myself. If it is more the second one, then I allow myself to get upset for about 2 minutes. After that, it is time to move on.
I do care what people think of me because I feel we are often not as aware of our own behavior as everyone else is. However, if they are doing it because they are just malicious, I care that they are doing it, but there is probably no response or reaction I could produce that would change their hearts.
I consider myself easy to get along with, hard to stay friends with, and almost impossible to be a "bff" to anyone. I seem to have this ability that many others don't have...It's where I don't want to be friends with someone but still treat them like a human being. Why? Because I care about what others think of me and I care about what "I" think of me, too.
"I don't care" is used too much as a defense mechanism, when really it means "It hurts too much to deal with." Using it too much causes you to honestly not care...about anything. At that point, what good are you to the world or even to yourself.
I urge anyone reading this to limit (if not omit) the phrase from their vocabulary.
I will say that when someone thinks a certain way about me or says something negative about me...I will weigh that opinion heavily for a little bit. If it is something I agree with, I try to change that behavior. If I feel they are mistaken, I simply press on without giving them much more of my time.
Part of what I consider is where this opinion is coming from. Are they sharing this opinion out of genuine concern for me or that I sincerely hurt their feelings? Maybe it is more because they don't like something I did or said to them personally so they will develop whatever perception they want of me in an effort to get others not to like me.
If I feel it falls in the first category, then I cannot be mad at anyone but myself. If it is more the second one, then I allow myself to get upset for about 2 minutes. After that, it is time to move on.
I do care what people think of me because I feel we are often not as aware of our own behavior as everyone else is. However, if they are doing it because they are just malicious, I care that they are doing it, but there is probably no response or reaction I could produce that would change their hearts.
I consider myself easy to get along with, hard to stay friends with, and almost impossible to be a "bff" to anyone. I seem to have this ability that many others don't have...It's where I don't want to be friends with someone but still treat them like a human being. Why? Because I care about what others think of me and I care about what "I" think of me, too.
"I don't care" is used too much as a defense mechanism, when really it means "It hurts too much to deal with." Using it too much causes you to honestly not care...about anything. At that point, what good are you to the world or even to yourself.
I urge anyone reading this to limit (if not omit) the phrase from their vocabulary.
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